Yay! I have a journal!

…Now, just what the blazes do I put in it?

I mean, the one topic on which I can demonstrably write stuff many people read – Canadian Idol – doesn’t start for weeks. And frankly my life in the meantime is not exactly of that special calibre of fascinating that makes publishing houses glance up. (Although I have been told my wails re: getting up for work in midwinter are really quite, uh, artistic. Operatic, even. But hey, I’m Canadian, where’s the fun in that?)

At any rate, I need to post something. I’ve got this journal all set up and it’s gorgeous and I truly hate staring
at blank space, especially when it’s in back of my eyeballs. So as a kind of mental ipsum lorem text, here’s a random musing from a year or so back on Kids’ TV…

…You have to realise, I’ve been around this stuff in one form or another for about ten years now – starting with managing the children’s section in the bookstore…onward through the TV-addict nephews…through the discovery that when I’m home in between temp assignments TreehouseTV makes for a nicer background hum than Jerry Springer.

In short, I’ve developed something of an immunity – it’s almost become a minor hobby. As a public service, I herewith provide TV Coping Mechanisms for Bored Grownups:

Key: AVO – American Viewers Only

B/CVO -British/Commonwealth Viewers Only

–Practice sprinting for the remote as soon as you hear the Barney theme begin. Time yourself on speed, distance and how fast you can subsequently remove the loveable purple spawn-of-something-deeply-unholy from your consciousness.

–During Dora the Explorer, count how many times the Map sings ‘I’m the Map!, I’m the Map!’ in succession. (Twelve, is my rough estimate.) Bonus: If you listen closely, you can actually hear the voice actor becoming more and more desperate for air from eight repetitions onwards.

AVO: Mentally redub Bob the Builder into the original British accents. The machines will still be whining incessantly, but at least they’ll sound cuter doing it.

–In light of the fact that Blue’s Clues recently sent Steve off to college, take bets on how many room-mates
he’ll go through in the first six months. “Dude talks back to his soap dish!!”

B/CVO – Appreciate the minor miracle that is UK stop-motion animation. If possible, catch an ep or two of Wind in the Willows or Brambly Hedge.

–Decide how many of the weird subtexts in The Toy Castle can be attributed to the fact that it’s ballet-dancing-based, and how many are just plain strange. For example, who decreed there should be human-sized Frog Twins, Frieda and Frederick, involved; and why they’re dressed up as the King and Queen of Hearts. For extra credit, work up a scary campfire story for next summer starring human-sized frogs with enormous bright sparkly blood-crimson mouths and Scarlett O’Hara accents.

–Whilst suffering through yet another ‘realistically’ annoying toddler character, entertain yourself by picturing how long they’d last in your childhood…the one that featured Dad and his belt.

–As Bear in the Big Blue House opens, and the big ol’hunk-a-fur is ‘sniffing’ you – in extreme close up and quite audibly – try hard not to think all the things you’re thinking.

–Confirm what you’ve long suspected – that the Berenstain Bears‘ real given names are in fact supposed to be ‘Mama’, ‘Papa’, ‘Sister’ and ‘Brother’…this despite the fact that everyone else in their furry Bearverse has a moniker like ‘Fred’ or ‘Lizzie’. Speculate on what name you’d rather send your son through life with, ‘Brother’ or ‘Sue’.

–Wonder what age Little Bear et al. have to be before clothes become a requirement. I imagine a little Bar (Bear?) Mitzvah-esque ceremony around age 14 or so: “Son, it’s time you knew the truth…you’re naked. Go, put these on and cover your shame forevermore.”

B/CVO: Think of the strangest possible cartoon character you can. Like, oh, say, a mini-snowmobile. Then turn on Wumpa’s World, set in the darkest Arctic, and lo and behold…two of them. Pink and blue. Named Zig and Zag, in case you were wondering.

–Appreciate the rare-but-wonderful moments of genuine for-all-ages wit that sneek in here and there…like in Wumpa’s World, when Wumpa the Walrus decides to learn ballet…cue walrus, fluffy pink tutu peeking out under his parka, assuming third position. Or the bit on Bear in the Big Blue House starring identical otters Pip and Pop: “Hey, sure! ‘Adventure’ is our middle name!!” “Uh, no, that’s your middle name. Mine’s Angelica, remember?”

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19 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. crunkette
    Feb 01, 2005 @ 00:28:38

    Confirm what you’ve long suspected – that the Berenstain Bears’ real given names are in fact supposed to be ‘Mama’, ‘Papa’, ‘Sister’ and ‘Brother’…this despite the fact that everyone else in their furry Bearverse has a moniker like ‘Fred’ or ‘Lizzie’.

    In the same scenario (and yet oddly reversed), my little brother went through a Franklin the Turtle phase, and I often wondered why Franklin got to have a real name, but all his friends were forced to be “Bear”, “Beaver”, “Goose”, etc.

  2. rj_anderson
    Feb 01, 2005 @ 08:13:31

    That. was. brilliant.

    Seriously, you just go on writing essays about anything that occurs to you. I don’t care if it’s about the making of perogies or how to remove mildew from windowframes, you’re always funny. And spot on. (I loved that “Angelica” line too, and don’t get me started on my blinding hatred for “The Map”.)

    Off to rec this in my own journal, expect some random visitors. 🙂

  3. kizmet_42
    Feb 01, 2005 @ 08:45:43

    I always do what RJ tells me to.

    Ok, not really, but her rec for your rant pulled me over here.

    My kids are mostly out of purple dinosaur stage, so I’m only passing familiar with most of these shows. Somehow, upgrading to Arther and (ugh) Buster’s World is not upgrading the quality of what they’re watching.

    Hmm. When does Netflix send me the next Farscape disc?

    Welcome to LJ.

  4. ariadnie
    Feb 01, 2005 @ 08:54:31

    Speculate on what name you’d rather send your son through life with, ‘Brother’ or ‘Sue’.

    BWAH!

    *runs off to friend you*

  5. netninny
    Feb 01, 2005 @ 09:07:15

    If you listen closely, you can actually hear the voice actor becoming more and more desperate for air from eight repetitions onwards.

    Hee! Glad to see you on LJ!

    *

  6. tinderblast
    Feb 01, 2005 @ 10:24:03

    *waves hello*

    Another KP 4 GU person in LJ-land!

    *friends*

    *oh and shows off the cool icon that the lovely Syn made me*

  7. lilyfields
    Feb 01, 2005 @ 11:26:46

    Yeah Shoebox! Looking forward to your observations & rambilings..
    Brambly Hedge is amazing work. I grew up watching and listening to the original “Bill & Ben the Flower Pot Men”..no wonder us Limey’s talk funny!

  8. stmarysalice
    Feb 01, 2005 @ 14:02:26

    Whilst suffering through yet another ‘realistically’ annoying toddler character, entertain yourself by picturing how long they’d last in your childhood…the one that featured Dad and his belt.

    I nearly lost my beverage through my nose. That’s brilliant. And what you said about Wumpa’s World is too true. Welcome to LJ 😉

  9. risti
    Feb 01, 2005 @ 14:20:28

    *pointed over here by *

    Hi! Don’t know if you remember me from the TWoP forums, but I’m friending you…

  10. anonymous
    Feb 03, 2005 @ 04:38:25

    Very glad to see you’ve found a place for your non-KP4GU related musings. Love your style. My nephew is now a big boy – 4 years old. Have you watched YTV cartoons? Rescue Heroes…GD Gundon Force…Transformers? Could use a laugh about those! Video game pre-school. Big time.

    Retrop

  11. shoebox2
    Feb 14, 2005 @ 09:11:04

    Thanks! Nice to be here.

  12. shoebox2
    Feb 14, 2005 @ 09:13:20

    Sure I do. Amazing, and fun, how many TWoPers I’m running into here…

  13. shoebox2
    Feb 14, 2005 @ 09:16:25

    LOL! Thanks.

    What kills me abour Brambly Hedge in particular is the sheer attention to mouse-sized Victorian detail, because I have a real thing for miniatures and these are just exquisite. Tiny lace cushions, teenier painted china teacups, etc. Their little mouse noses actually twitch randomly as they speak…incredibly cute.

  14. shoebox2
    Feb 14, 2005 @ 09:20:16

    *runs off to friend you in return*

    So glad to find more of your writings! Really enjoy your style.

  15. shoebox2
    Feb 14, 2005 @ 09:21:34

    Hi there!…and, uh, say hi to the squirrel for me, ‘kay? :^)

  16. shoebox2
    Feb 14, 2005 @ 09:24:02

    NetNinny! So cool to find you again…

  17. tinderblast
    Feb 14, 2005 @ 09:50:16

    *Brandon waves back*

  18. ariadnie
    Feb 14, 2005 @ 19:29:06

    Thanks!

    My LJ these days is mostly filled with gripes about my personal and work life, interspersed with random comments on movies, books, and Kalan, so….yeah, wade in if it appeals.

  19. anonymous
    Dec 15, 2007 @ 20:37:11

    very interesting, but I don’t agree with you
    Idetrorce

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