Try to scream/it only comes out as a yawn

[sigh] Were the back-from-vacation blues supposed to kick in this early? I was having a ton of fun yesterday, unpacking and looking at downloaded pictures and cataloguing smuggled American chocolates (oh, Dove, why must you stint the Canadian market so?)..then I woke up today, and looked out at the grim winter gloom, and suddenly…

I suppose it’s understandable in one sense: namely, the ‘tomorrow I have to get up and face the cold dark Monday commute all over again’ sense. I love summer, and I love how summer makes me feel – ‘happy and aimless and idle and pagan’, as per Annie Sullivan. I don’t like the feeling of being confined by the weather again.

But that’s not what seems to be uppermost. What’s really bugging is a sense of having done something different, unusual, out of the daily grind, for a short two weeks…and now here we are again. I am just not feeling very interesting, today. Not so much in terms of my writing (although I will confess to having hyped myself up a little in re: coming home to find an email from PopMatters, since the editor mentioned considering submissions over the holiday break). Just…you know that Barenaked Ladies song, Pinch Me? “On an evening such as this/It’s hard to tell if I exist”? Like that.

Yes, I know this is basically a self-pity fit. Also, that I’ve brought a lot of it on myself. I look back at my entries for 2008 and see a whole lot of wishing and hoping and excuses, but not so much with the going out and grabbing the brass ring by the tail, or whatever it is I’m supposed to do. There is procrastination, and then there is yours truly, brushing out the mane of the My Little Pony toy she got with a Happy Meal in West Virginia.

So this seems like as good a time as any to think about New Year’s resolutions. I hereby resolve, this year, to stop yapping and start doing. To quit thinking of an hour spent reading people rambling on about how much they hate comic strips as time spent productively on the computer. Over the course of this year spent searching so haphazardly for a writing focus, I ran across one simple piece of advice that really resonated, from Toni Morrison: “Write the story only you could write.” It shall be my mission, in 2009, to find that story and commit it to, er, MS Word.

Meanwhile, to all the friends and other readers who’ve stuck by me and my pretensions thus far, you are either completely crazy or…well, yeah, you’re completely crazy, and I love you for it. Here’s hoping we all land at the bottom of the new year with our crazy intact.


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