It’s been a rough week. Have a Bob & Ray transcript.

This would have been an even rougher week, but I have a boss who can make the fine distinction between problems I caused but could not have foreseen. This is a rare and precious skill among managers, and I am thinking of sending him flowers.

Meanwhile, I’ve been sitting here (’cause frankly I do not feel at all like walking around) trying to work out the best approach to my Random Weird Occurence post, and ending up feeling like this is probably a bad time generally. So the heck with it all. This is B&R from 1949, still in Boston, and still getting paid to spill their stream-of-consciousness all over the airwaves and hope comedy resulted…


Bob: (smooth announcer voice): And now, the Life & Loves of Linda Lov-

Ray: HOLD IT! HOLD EVERYTHING!!  …Jellybean, Bob?

[Pause to make sure that Bob gets all the ‘purple ones’, which – as per running gag – Ray dislikes]

Bob (resuming with mouth full): Mrr rife an ruvs of Rinra Ruvvy…


Bob (announcer voice, not missing a beat): Ray Goulding, who thinks he is Napoleon, and Bob Elliott, who today thinks he is King Henry the Eighth…

Ray: No, you’re a footpad, remember?

Bob: Oh yeah. OK…Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding are sitting in their private eye office, looking over some private eyes that have been sent in to them…[as private eye] Hey, this is a nice one, don’tcha think?

Ray: Yeah, that’s a good eye there. (aside) Say, is that Ken Wilson [organist] or is that my heartbeat?

Bob: I believe that’s the Tell-Tale Heart.

Ray: Y’know, we should do something classical like that. Something with class. [pretends to call to the cast standing round the studio] Any o’youse guys got anything good we could do back there?

Ray (as castmember): I got somethin’ here called The Raven!

Bob (another castmember): "Quoth the Raven," hey?

Ray: Yup. "Nevermore", quoth the Raven, hey.

Bob: Nevermore? So how we gonna do it, then?

Ray: Oh…well, we can quoth it just this once.

Bob: Okay. (resumes announcer voice) Bob and Ray, who are sitting in their office quoting ravens, look out through their dust-covered window. Ray, blowing a particle of dust away from the corner of the pane…

Ray (aside): Hey, there ain’t no glass in here. The air is dirty.

Bob: …makes a startling discovery.

Ray: It’s dark out.

Bob: It must be night, by George.

Ray: It must be night by anyone.

Bob: Should we go in search of the missing footpad?

Ray: We might as well go now, while we’ve got the courage. (aside) You want some more before we go?

Bob (Peter Lorre voice): Come along. Follow me down this corridor…

Bob (his own voice): Say, it’s mighty dark down here; I don’t like the looks of this. In fact, I can’t see anything to not like the looks of.  [Ray is muttering something]  The music is so loud I can’t hear a word you’re saying!

Ray (breathlessly intense): No no, that’s what we need, the music, it’s saving everything. But look, straight ahead there – up ahead. It’s a glimmer of light!

Bob (catching the mood): Yes! Light! As if someone were shining a flashlight, straight at us!

Bill Green (pianist, in background): Hellllllooooooo!

Ray: I think we’re in a deep cave, and we’re walking to China!

Bill: Hellllllooooooo!

Bob: If we only had a filter microphone! It would be more realistic!

Ray: I know it! I’m – I’m afraid we’re going to come out into – a new world! A world that – that –

Bill: Hellllllooooooo!

Bob: A world we can’t even imagine right now!

Ray: It’ll be different from anything we’ve ever known in all our life!

Bob (announcer voice)Yes! That’s tomorrow: A New World! Like nothing we’ve ever imagined…peanut butter.

[Organ music up and out]


…no, I have absolutely no idea what peanut butter had to do with anything.


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