Bob & Ray Present: Link Larkin, Small-Town Cop

Yep, it’s transcript time again. In this outing, circa summer 1949, our intrepid duo is taking one of their rare early stabs at creating an ongoing serial.

Most of their elaborately specific takeoffs — The Gathering Dusk, Tippy the Wonder Dog, Elmer W. Litzinger: Spy — came on the scene much later, and were in fact written for them, by a Mad Magazine alumnus named Tom Koch. Left to themselves within a genre, B&R tended simply to pick out the tones and turns of phrase they liked, creating random odes tosurreality like Matt Neffer: Boy Spotwelder and Mr. Trace, Keener Than Most Persons.

Or, for that matter, our current subject…

Ray: …And now we present a new story, friends, that we think you’re gonna like.

Bob: Yep, for the first time on anybody’s air-waves.

Ray: It’s a new-type soap opera that’ll be continued from day to day. It’s called ‘Link Larkin, Small-Town Cop’.

[ominous cop-show-type theme music up and over:]

Bob (shouting): Call the police!

Ray (unimpressed): Don’t look at me, I’m yellow!

[ominous music continues in background, as:]

Bob: We see Link, seated in his 1938 Ford sedan behind the Coca-Cola sign. 6:45 AM the time, and he’s waiting for speeders along… one of our better-known highways…

Ray (small-town hick): Boy, I certainly hope somebody comes along here in a sleek black limousine, so I can pinch ’em.

[Bob starts making sputtery-engine noises — with all the finesse of a six-year-old — and continues on-and-off throughout:]

Ray: Waitaminnit, this fella looks like he’s speeding, by jingoes! Hey, hold up there! Where’d’ya think you’re going?

Bob (nasal dweeb accent): Yeah? Whazzat?

Ray: I say, where’re ya going?

Bob: To a fire.

Ray: Where’s the fire?

Bob: Down the road a piece…

Ray: Well, wait a sec, I’ll go with ya.


[Resumes sputtery-engine noises, until:]


Ray: …Excuse me, Bob, but this doesn’t seem very effective.

Bob: It doesn’t seem very important, no.

Ray: How can we get this guy in trouble? I mean, how could we get him in deep oil?

Bob: We could have a holdup… you know, the Riversmouth town bank could be held up.

Ray: Weeeelllll….All right, I guess.

[ominous music builds again, as:]

Ray (smooth announcer voice): The Riversmouth First National Bank has just been cracked.

Bob (more nasal dweeb): Hey, we gotta fix that crack pretty quick, Joe, or it’ll fall in on us or somethin’.

Ray (tough-guy): Yeah, either that or we’ll be losing all our money.

Bob: You said it! Boy, it’s been fallin’ outta there all morning.

Ray: I keep stuffing it back…

Bob: Yeah, an’ you been stuffin’ a little of it in your pocket there too, I seen ya —

Ray: Quiet! You wanna get me in trouble with the law?

Bob: Oh, ‘scuse me. I didn’t know.

Ray (as Link Larkin, striding back onto the scene): Hey, anything funny goin’on here?

Bob: No, nuttin’. Not a thing.

Ray: What’s this money comin’ out of the wall for?

Bob (huge surprise): Is there money comin’ out through the wall there? I didn’t see that at all.

Ray: Well, it ain’t no Monopoly money, I can tell ya that. Looks like the real thing.

Bob: By George, you’re right.

Ray: Well, push it back in, willya?

Bob: Okay.

Ray: I’ll turn my back.


There’s a bit more along the same lines, complete with sputtery noises — Link: "Must be the carburetor." Felon: "Oh, okay, I’ll get out and fix it for ya." — but the relevant bit is at the very end, in which Ray tries to announce that Link will be back ‘at some future time’… through hysterical giggles. "Will he be on this same time tomorrow? Noooooooo!" Bob deadpans.

The really funny part is, I have no idea whether they planned the whole thing or not. It makes as much sense, either way.

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